I find myself here again and I love it. This is the closest thing to a church I have. Desperation drifts past my nose and I inhale, flaring my nostrils and thinning my chest. Chips clatter against each other in perfect harmony. I sit waiting patiently for a shot at glory. Here confidence is sold by the ounce and there is never a shortage of interested buyers. I glide the black ink across the faded green pad anxiously, confidently, quietly optimistic about the upcoming session. There are certain nights when you just know, when every blood vessel is swimming in synch; signaling victory on the internal jumbo screen. This is one of those nights. This is one of those silky nights that will send me home flying miles above the city lights and lonesome people. I begin another sentence-- and hear my initials. The bell has rung. The beast requests my presence. Hello moonlight…
I have to keep writing, I just have to. There doesn’t have to be a reason or a complaint. I can write purely for the sake of writing; medicine for the brain. I still don’t understand the craving, but mystery is intriguing, is it not? This is not a poem but I don’t give a fuck. It’s meaningless and it will always be meaningless… but tonight it fills the page and keeps my worries distracted. They’re giggling on the swing set out back, still high from the ice cream I fed them hours ago. Out of my hair and I feel light as a feather. A swift breeze could toss me into flight, up among the clouds and the others who aren’t weighed down by life’s pressures. Oh lucky me, I think I feel a gust of wind at my back…
There are times when you feel you have done all you can; you have inserted yourself into the right place at the right time, you have been patient, you have been polite, you have been friendly, you have executed your goals just as you drew it up, yet… you are thrown on your ass and spit upon by those who personify lazy, those who use luck as a cane, those who do not think before they speak because nothing is sacred to them, those who let life pass them by each and every day and shrug their shoulders as if trying twice was enough, those who settle for mediocrity over and over again, those who look at you and only see a kid because maturity is only learned with age and you are young and what could you possibly know about life and the troubles that accompany it because you are just a kid and you probably think you know everything there is to know and you probably think that struggling is unfair, those who are too stubborn to accept change and too stupid to seek out the truth, or worse, those satisfied with complementary lies. These people stomped on my heart tonight and celebrated as I left but little do they know that I do not give up and I never will and I have more drive in my soul and more genuine bones in my body than they ever have or will. Continue to think I am just another misguided youth all you want, I love who I am and I dole out more respect to people that you are willing to accept, and for that, I couldn’t care any less about any of your opinions.
Nothing confuses them more than silence. Use it wisely and they will crumble.